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Varik

My name is Varik, I'm a bounty hunter
I'm just a normal guy, though, so no need to get asunder

I was sent on a mission to kill a monster that killed someone's baby girl the young girl's parents and she reported it
I thought that was it, but the plot was only beginning to unfurl

Down in the sewers, I fought my way through hippies and vermin
But on the hell end of the sewers, much nastier things were lurkin'

Exiting the sewers, I found myself in a desolate haunted wasteland
There were flesh-eating undead monsters and zombie Starmen with many a hand

There were also some weak, exhausted and desperate human survivors who really didn't want to fight me
But they had edible "last rations" which can be looted off a dead body

I reached an old laboratory, and to my surprise and despair
A man named Dr. Andonuts was still holed up in there

He tried to speak to me, but I knew something was troubling him
He was having nervous breakdowns and I wondered what had happened to him

He led me into his Instant Revitalizing Capsule
I feared what might be in there with my every molecule

There was a monster in there, it was asking me to kill it
But instead, I pressed the B button and suddenly I was in some deeply weird shit

I was in a mental place called Magicant, you'll find
It looked as if I was inside my mind

But it was actually Andonuts's mind, I reasoned
There were very friendly people in Magicant town, but I was scared of what awaited beyond the first big door I opened

It was a town that my deceased friend Ness used to live in, the doctor remembered it quite well
There were some slightly painful memories there, but it was more like heaven than hell

As I climbed the huge hill at the back of the town, I started to feel nervous about the meteorite
Was there actually some kind of terrifying monster at the crash site?

Once I got there, I heard a familiar buzzing sound
But rather than Buzz Buzz, it turned out to be a woman, I found

It circled around me, buzzing like an obnoxious flying bug, that's life
I thought to myself, "Is this how the doctor views his wife?"

The woman pestered me, asking me if I was hiding something from her
I shouted "NO", and to my horror, I saw that I had summoned the monster

Well, three monsters to be precise
They appeared as photographs of disembodied manly body parts, concise

I tried to fight the doctor's homosexuality
But when the arm tried to rip my eyes out of their sockets, I realized I had no choice but to flee

After a brief anecdote from Andonut's personal memories, I met a girl named Paula, hell
She may have been only a mental copy of the real thing, but she would serve me well

Me and Paula headed for a hallway
Since I had defeated the thoughts that were gay

There were tentacle dog monsters and ghost pumpkins
But the only real threats were those evil hearts with tail fins

We reached a house that looked very much like Ness's
It was very tidy with no signs of messes

But it felt very fishy and I began to suspect
That there was another monster here, something born of neglect

We saw the doctor's wife again and she lectured me about not being a good father
I felt sad when I realized she was supposed to be talking to the doctor

Then suddenly we were in a dark neon room
With a boy named Jeff standing on the pedestal of doom

He spoke about how his father had neglected him in part
Then suddenly, he turned into a shadowy monster called "Dearkhart"

Being a very cold heart, it was vulnerable to freezing
So we actually beat it rather than just fleeing

After all that toil and trouble, Jeff joined my team
Things were starting to look promising, but nothing was as it may seem

Preparing for the worst experience since tying myself to a pole
The three of us headed for the museum of dead people

The museum contained pedestals with the Chosen Four and the doctor's wife
It seemed that there was an empty pedestal hell-bent on displaying me after the ending of my life

Continuing our tour, we reached a brutal haunted factory
There were malformed vampires, energy clusters and the nastiest kind of zombie

Jeff found his nerd glasses and we fought our way through the mechanical castle
Luckily, we just barely reached the next revitalizing capsule

The next room was the cliff that time forgot about
I immediately recognized the Phase Distorter that Ness had told me so much about

When I walked up to it, the doctor's internal thoughts began a monologue
About how he had mechanized the chosen four and sent them back on the clock

He wasn't even a real doctor, but he knew why he was so dead inside
When he sent back in time to combat Giygas, all four of them died

As I predicted, the last words of his monologue caused the Phase Distorter to mutate into an ugly lethal monster

It was called the "Phaze Destrortur" and it was a living electrical hazard
It even tried to eat us, so we could not afford to be haphazard

Jeff used his HP-sucker to suck energy from the creature and add it to his own
The Phaze Destrortur was so weak against it that Jeff managed to win about half of the fight alone

After an anecdote about the doctor's regret over his stupid inventions
My team was blessed with Poo, a young ninja with good intentions

The four of us traveled across the blue maze near town
It was full of monsters, but the four of us combined knocked all of them down

We entered a place that looked like Giygas's lair
There were creepy slugs and lots of graphical glitches there

Soon we reached what was clearly the Cave of the Past, where
There were evil Ness robots and badass aliens everywhere

We reached the next capsule and prepared for a nightmare
As we entered the Sea of Eden, who knew what monsters would be there

The monsters that lurked there were impossible to describe
They were a horrific amalgamation of at least five different monsters, five

They became too much for us to handle so we ran away quickly
And we reached the tranquil center of a mind most sickly

We prepared for what would likely be the final fight
As we went through Giygas's lair, what a creepy sight

We met a horrifying monster who did not try to fight us
While we attacked, it simply told us to leave him alone, trying to guilt-trip us

Dr. Andonuts' Rage

Eventually, the doctor emerged from his hideous shell, enraged beyond belief
He cursed us, tried to freeze and burn us, and tried to beat us to death, what a relief

He tried to kill all of us with his ultimate psychic blast
But our psychic shields reflected it, and after a desperate physical struggle he became a thing of the past

I returned to reality and the doctor was dead
Maybe he'll go to Heaven, but I just took a rescue helicopter back home and went to bed

(I just saved you about 2-3 hours of actually playing this hack. LOL)

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